Thursday, March 26, 2009

Struggles

I struggle with how much to share on here. I know some of my friends read my blog and I'm fine with that, as well with my Mom and again I am fine with that too, its just that this is technically a Mommy blog. And part of me thinks that if I share a struggle I'm having then its like I'm not trusting God. And if I'm not happy & positive then I'm not sharing God's love. But truthfully, I am mostly a happy & positive person, I'm that person that will always try to find the positive, the silver lining, and I have child like faith. But there are times, like in this past year I have known 3 mothers to die all in there thirties and all leaving behind precious children. Then I think, if I was to die tomorrow, have I given Reagan the tools she will need, would Lincoln even remember me? Now I know these are horrible thoughts and that most likely I will not die tomorrow and that is when I turn to God and am filled with his overflowing love for me and my family. But then I think of practical things like, would Tim know how often to vacuum the upstairs, and that I hide the peanut butter or that I wouldn't want him to get remarried (I think he knows that).

Right now we are trying to have another baby, its taking longer than we thought and part of me thinks oh, now that I've written something about it then I'm going to get pregnant and then it would be silly of me to mention. Last month they check my progesterone level and its was .4 and I was taking clomid (what a joke I could have been taking M&M's and had the same results), it should have been around 6 or 8. I have another blood test this weekend to check my progesterone level and I'm praying it was higher. I think it will be since I've been way more emotional, and I have been having hot flashes so that makes me think that maybe my hormones have kicked in. Since we already have two beautiful and wonderful children, we won't be doing anything that our insurance won't cover, so no IUI or IVF. I'm 32 and the clock is ticking but I also know that it will all happen in His timing and that His timing is so much better than my timing.

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